Blood
by HORSELUVR620
Summary: Blade meets skin. Drop of crimson falls slowly to the white plastic tile of Charlie’s bathroom. No, I don’t know why I do it. All I know is that I can’t stop.
1. Chapter 1

"Bella, why do you do this to me? I can't let you do this to yourself anymore?"

"Jake, you think I do this because I want to hurt you! I honestly don't know why I cut myself. Its an addiction worse that nicotine and caffeine. I don't remember why I started." I don't know why I lied to my best friend. My only friend. We were sitting in the movie theater, when I noticed he was staring at my arm. I realized that my long navy sleeve had ridden up over the scars. When he realized I knew he knew, he got up and left the theater. I, of course, followed, like a diligent friend, to see if he was okay. I just wasn't expecting an intervention.

"Bells," he whispered hesitantly.

"Jake. I thought you would understand. I thought you would care." Now I was trying to hurt him.

"Bella, I have to tell somebody. You can't keep cutting yourself. It isn't healthy or safe. Please, please tell me why. I can tell that you remember."

"I can't tell you why because if I told you why, I would be able to feel it again. I have pushed it down as far away from the surface of my memory as possible. I do not want it to rise again." I got into the passenger seat of the car, and said, albeit at little bit too loudly, "Take me home."

He didn't say another word for the entire hour long drive home from Port Angeles to Forks, the small town where I live with my father, the police chief. As soon as I got out, he sped off to the reservation. I walked inside our small, dark house, and was welcomed by the stench of beer and the sound of a baseball game. Charlie was home. "Bells, is that you?" Speak of the devil.

"Yeah Dad, I'm back."

"Come say hi to Billy, where's Jake?"

"Jake went home," I said as I walked into the living room. "Hi Billy. I'm going to go do homework, so if anybody needs me, I will be in my room."

"Okay." As if they care, as if anybody except for Jake. Does Jake even care anymore? I feel bad for what I said to him, really I do. I just… I just don't want to relive that experience; the pain was unimaginable. He should understand; I'm not doing anything to hurt him. I am offended that he even thinks I would. I love him. Well, don't get confused. I love him as a brother, not in the touchy feely way that Jessica loves Mike or the dorky but cute way that Angela likes Mike. I love him in the way that a sister loves a brother.

He does act like my big brother too. I remember this time when Tyler took me on a date, and halfway through the movie we went outside so we could "talk" and he tried to get in my pants. I told him that he needed to stop because he was a dick-head and I didn't like him and that the only reason I went out with him was a pity date. He slapped me in the face and then drove home. I felt so stupid for going out with the school player and for going all the way to Seattle. I was stuck hours away from home.

So, I called Jacob. It was 12:30, at least an hour past my curfew, and I'm sure at least 2 hours after the local curfew on the reservation. But I needed help, so he drove two hours in Billy's old truck (the truck that they gave to me on my 17th birthday) to come get me. When he asked what happened, and I told him, he was mad. Let's just say that when I saw Tyler at school the next day his face was slightly purpler that it should have been. By that, I mean that Jake beat him up.

I guess the point of this story is that Jake is like an older brother to me, except for that he is never mean and he is more over protective. And if I tried to date one of his friends he would probably kill them. I don't know why I am telling you this. It's not like you care about me. Why should you? I'm just some emo 17 year-old girl who is lost in translation. That's what Renee says when she calls, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

_It's not like you care about me. Why should you? I'm just some emo 17 year-old girl who is lost in translation. That's what Renee says when she calls, anyway._

Just so you know Renee hardly ever calls. She feigned pain when I said that I would move to Forks last year. Then she moved with Phil, her new husband, to Jacksonville and I rarely hear from her. Don't feel bad for me. I'm used to it. Actually, I'm glad that I don't have to deal with her leering tone when she pronounces herself more beautiful than me; more well liked than me, more everything.

And I'm glad she didn't make me stay with her. If she had, I would have never been able to meet the blade. And when she calls, that is where I seek solace-with the blade. Oh shit! Its 7:30, school starts in 30 minutes. I jumped out of bed-thank god I showered last night- got dressed, made breakfast and whisked out the door to my truck. Yes, this is the truck from Jake and Billy. On the way to school the radio blared, sending Tik Tok by Ke$ha out onto the wind. Of course the window was down. If I expected the "Thing" to have air conditioning, I was fucking crazy.

Why Tik Tok you may ask. Well, I happen to be a partier. And by partier I don't mean I go dance and make out with a few hot guys. I mean "partier." You know the type. I drink. Then, while I'm drunk I get high. While I'm high who knows what I'm going to do. It is amazing that I still have my virginity. Seriously, I'm not trying to be funny. I guess I should have mentioned that that one time at the movies, we weren't exactly at a movie. Tyler took me to a party. And we weren't exactly sober either. Why didn't I tell you? I was scared you would judge me.

I pulled into the school parking lot just as the bell rang signaling the time for 1st period to start. Fuck. I'm late. I ran into class-Charlie must not know that I was late- and thank goodness Mr. Bertie was sympathetic. "I'm so sorry! My truck doesn't like ice, I had to go slowly!" Such a lie, but he doesn't know that.

"Just don't let it happen again Miss Swan," he said, in the same monotone he uses for his lectures. If you look up boring in the dictionary, there is a miniscule picture of Mr. Bertie in there. I don't want to talk about class anymore, let's move on to lunch. I went to sit at my usual table, to see that it was occupied by a quartet of beautiful people. I looked behind me, and there was another there "Excuse me," said the angel, "I'm Edward Cullen, and these are my siblings." They all went around and said their names.

"Alice," said the short, pixie-like one with the incredible clothes.

"Jasper," wheezed the one with the eyes that looked scared all the time.

"Rosalie," muttered the gorgeous supermodel of a woman, albeit seemingly bitchy.

"Emmett," said the grizzly bear (figuratively speaking) with one arm around Rosalie's shoulders, and the other one gripping Jasper's arm, as if Jasper was going to leap out at me.

"Oh, hi everybody. I'm Bella Swan. I'm a junior here, and if you need anything let me know," I said quickly. Whatever. I might as well make it seem like the kids here are nice, at least for a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

Gothic Saku-chan gets like most of the credit for this chapter everybody! Ahem, you could all get this recognition if you REVIEW and tell me what you want me to write, and if I like what you said then I will write a chapter. But that is not what this thank you is about. Gothic Saku-chan gave me the BEST idea for a chapter! OH yeah, and because I forgot in the past few chapters, I own nothing that you have read that is from Twilight, or any of the mentioned songs or anything like that… REVIEW please.

Okay, so I guess this part is just plain stupid of me. I went to a party at Tyler's house. I know, what the hell, right? Well, I guess the main reason is that he has the best. The best beer, it's like, never-ending, and he has the most superb crank. I know that is a stupid reason to go to a party with a guy who tried to rape you, but if you have the curse of addiction, you understand.

I went with a few friends, but I never ever leave a party with the same people who I came with. Somewhere between the songs "Best I Ever Had" and "Low" I had like four beers, and then I left the party. I went inside Tyler's house, where I knew the drugs would be. Let's just say I got fucking high. Then I went back outside to the party, and drank some more. I could barely walk, but I knew I needed to get home. Who should I call? Nobody who I came with is sober enough to drive, and I can't risk getting pulled over when I am this stoned. Jake?

No, I can't call Jake. He doesn't like when I do this, when I party to try to break through the layer of non-feeling that coats my body like a straight jacket. He also doesn't like when I try to feel with my knife. I decided to just ask Mike to drive me home; he doesn't drink. He gets high, but I didn't see him inside so maybe he just did a little. Maybe. I found him talking to Jessica. "Mike, will you give me a ride home? Please? I really need your help." If I make it seem like I need him, he will do anything for me. I know that he likes me; I just really can't deal with him, like, all the time.

"Uh, su-sure Bella," he stuttered.

Jessica's eyes flashed angrily to mine, "but Mike, you said you would drive me home."

"Maybe you should back off, bitch," I said. Alcohol makes me brave.

"There is room for three in my car," he intervened, before things could become physical. Good timing too, she looked ready to come over and bitch slap me. I would totally slap her back though. Anyway, we all got into his car, and headed home, which happened, surprisingly, without incident.

I stumbled in, and Charlie had once again fallen asleep in front of the TV. I moved his beer to the table, and turned off the TV, like I have done so many times before. I swear the roles of parent and child are reversed in this house. I also brought his alarm down from beside his bed and set it on the coffee table, resetting it to his normal time. I looked at it, and was surprised when it said E-am. Wait, that's a three. It is 3am. I would have sworn it was only midnight, damn maybe I did drink a lot. Probably too much, but hey, what can you do?

I went upstairs, and I could feel myself become too hyper to go to sleep. I went to shower, and ended up staying in the hot water for an hour, when it began to run lukewarm. I got out and went back to my room.

Now I am crashing. I put on my short night dress and a pair of panties (lacy in case I need Jake to come hold my hair back later, what can I say, I'm a slut.) When I crash, I have to remember, and when I remember, there is only one consolation, my razor. As I pull it across my wrist, and feel it tear the skin apart, a small drop of blood pools at the base of my arm. I feel in control, I feel powerful, but most importantly, I feel.

Now there is a large pool of blood. I put a bandage around it, and get into bed with a note next to me telling Charlie not to wake me up, but to please have Jake come over. Oh, did I forget to mention, it is Thanksgiving break; no school, but Charlie has to work.

When I woke up, it was noon, and there was a figure next to my bed, holding my wrist. Shit, Jacob must have seen my bandage.

"Bells, you promised me you would stop doing this."

"I know Jake, I'm sorry, it's just-" I was cut off by the feeling of acid rising in my throat. I got up and ran to the bathroom, with Jacob on my heels. As I knelt by the toilet, he came over and sat on the edge of the bath tub. He pulled my hair back, and rubbed soothing circles on my back, as I removed the alcohol from my system. When I was finished, my savior passed me a glass of water, and a toothbrush.

"Here, use these," he advised. He is used to having to take care of me. He refused to give me any pills though, saying, "You have enough shit in your system to last a lifetime. You sweat it out while you were sleeping, but you still have that look in your eye. Let me see your wrist."

"No, you don't want to see it."

"Please," he begged. "I need to make sure it isn't infected. Please." I held out my arm and he sucked in a breath, horrified. Oops, I didn't mean to cut that deep. "Why?"

"Because I was remembering. I don't want to remember that."

"Bella Swan, what the hell is it that you are so scared of remembering that you slice your arm open?"

"Please Jake, no. It's so complicated. I will tell you eventually, but I can't right now."

"No. You need to fucking tell me. I can't help you unless I know. And you don't think you need help," he said as I opened my mouth to speak, "but you do. Until now I haven't told Charlie, but now I definitely need to."

"No, please. I swear to God I won't do it again, I won't," I puked again, interrupting my thoughts, "I swear to god I won't cut myself again."

"Okay, that is fine for now. But honestly, if I notice you doing it one more time, I'm telling Charlie. And we both know he will not be happy."

"Thank you Jake. And thanks for holding my hair back all these times, and saving me. I don't know where I would be without you."

OKAY SO GOTHIC SAKU-CHAN, I KNOW I DIDN'T EXACTLY FOLLOW YOUR IDEA, BUT MAYBE THIS IS OKAY… TELL ME IF YOU LIKE IT, IF NOT I WILL DEFINITELY REWRITE IT FOR YOU! SORRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! AND ANYBODY WITH ANY IDEAS LET ME KNOW, IN A REVIEW. EVEN THOUGH I EXPECT YOU TO ALL REVIEW! AND LIKE, IF YOU WANT SOME LIKE HAPPINESS FOR BELLA, OR DO YOU WANT HER TO MEET EDWARD, OR WHAT??? THANKS


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, so you know how boring it gets over breaks? Like, the first few days are SO FUCKING FUN and then everything goes to shit. Well, that happened to me over Thanksgiving. By the 24th, I was so bored. So, I went to Jake's. I know, isn't that what everybody wants to be doing? Oh hell no, but when you are as desperate for human contact as I was, you do some stupid things. Apparently I'm weird, because I don't consider partying weird, but I do think it's odd to go hang out at a friend's house and watch him build a car.

Yeah, that's what I did. I thought that last sentence made it pretty damn obvious. Apparently not. Oh well, I tried. So, back to the story, I drove over to Jake's house, and went straight to the garage, and found him with the Rabbit, and a six pack. Only one beer was gone.

"You drink?"

"What the fuck? Shit! Oh, hi Bella. You scared me; I didn't know anybody was here."

"Sorry, now answer my question. You drink?"

"Yes, only when I work on the car, and only once in a while." Now he was getting defensive. He really shouldn't do that.

"So why the fuck do you get pissed at me when I party you hypocrite?"

"Bells, this is not partying. This is normal. You drink four of five beers and then get high. Most people party by drinking a little, and dancing with some people who you probably shouldn't dance with. You just suck guys off to get meth."

"Jake, please stop. This isn't fair."

"No, what isn't fair is what you do to Charlie. He calls over here to get me all the time, he holds your hair back and carries you to bed when you fall asleep in front of the toilet. He pretends not to notice the blood because he keeps hoping you will stop or that he is wrong and you aren't hurting yourself; he wants you to at least tell him yourself."

"Jake, I did stop cutting my wrists." I really did. I held out my arm.

"Good. Finally you stopped." But he still sucked in a breath as he looked at the criss cross of scars that lined my arms. He doesn't even want to see below my knees though.

What's below my knees? Cuts. I thought that was what we were talking about. Yes, there were cuts on my leg, in that little crevice under your knee…

For the next few hours we ordered pizza and I sat there watching Jake while he put the Rabbit back together.

* * *

Sorry it was so short. The next chapter will come soon. I have been really busy! By the way, anything that you don't recognize from another story or Twilight itself is mine. :D Thanks. and please review. I go on your ideas. Gothic Saku-chan, this is the second chapter that formed from one of your ideas. Everybody else, no chapters have been written from your ideas. Also, if you favorite this story, review too. Reviews bring faster chapters because more ideas... :D love you (reviewers)


	5. Chapter 5

Oh sorry, I forgot that sometimes people forget what the Rabbit is. It is Jake's car, the one that he is putting back together.

* * *

Okay, well now on to the second to last day of Thanksgiving break. I went to a party. At a person's house. No. I'm not exactly sure who's. It was a crazy-ass party though. I got home at 4:30am. Or should I say dropped off at home? Hell no, I was in no position to drive myself. Charlie was asleep, as I had assumed he would be, hoped he would be. For all he knew I got home by my midnight curfew. Let's keep that our secret please.

Anyways, I woke up the next morning with a bitch of a headache, so I swallowed two Advil and chased them with a glass of water and a coffee to wake me up. Okay, now I feel better. What should I do on my last day of freedom? Luckily I didn't have to decide as my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I got a text

_~Come up to La Push, 4 a BBQ. –xoxo jake_

_~okay, I will be there in an hour. I just need to change :D –luv u, bella_

"Dad, I'm gonna go to La Push, okay?" I asked him.

"Sure, have fun Bells, just be back by 11. It is a school night, after all." His eyes looked very wary that I would make the deadline.

"I will be, don't worry. Wait, what time is it?"

"It's 11am. You slept though half the day."

"Oops. Well, I'm going to go take a shower and then take off."

"Okay. I'm going to head out, to fish with Harry. And Bells, I love you."

"Love you too Dad! Have fun!"

I ran upstairs quickly then, to escape the look of terror and love that was settled in Charlie's eyes whenever I was involved. I set the hot water on, and got into the shower, of course, burning myself by accident in the process. Shit. Oh well, it happens all the time. I turned the heat up too high, of course. I immediately turned it down, and, typically, I turned it down too cold. Finally I got it just right. Damn I feel like Goldilocks. Sorry, that was off topic.

Anyways, so I got out of the shower and got dressed in a pair of jeans, my sole pair of Uggs, and a long sleeved shirt. It's cold in Washington in the winter, even if it isn't technically the winter. Whatever. Back to the story. I drove to La Push very slowly; the truck doesn't like wet roads any more than I do.

The second I pulled up Jake, the giant, bounded over to my door and practically pulled the door off my truck. What the hell?

"Damn Jake, you're like the friggin Hulk sometimes!"

"Ha ha Bella. Very funny… You don't have to go around acting like Tom."

"Who the fuck is Tom?"

"You know, Tom. From Tom and Jerry…Tom is the cat. The one who is always getting beat up. It's the only scaredy cat one I could think of. No pun intended, of course," he said. I glared at him. "Love you Bells!" Don't think of that as weird. We have been saying 'I love you' to each other for AGES.

"Grrrrr," I growled, "you had better run!" I got up, and walked toward him menacingly and he got the picture. He got up and dashed away; I chased him until I tripped over something (most likely my own feet) and he came back to help me.

"Bells, you are so not dangerous." We both laughed and then went back to Billy's house to order pizza.

"Pepperoni!" That was Jake. Of course.

"Mushroom!" Now I really wanted mushroom.

"Pepperoni!"

"I said mushroom dang it."

"Kids," Billy intervened, "why don't we get a large pizza with half mushroom and half pepperoni. Then everybody is happy."

"Fine," we said at the same time, albeit a bit grumpily. "But I still think we would be better off with mushroom," I huffed under my breath.

* * *

I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING YOU RECOGNIZE FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! :D

Guys, this chapter was purely to showcase Bella and Jacob's friend relationship. People have been saying that they don't see it, so I am trying to show it… REVIEW PLESE!!!


	6. Chapter 6

EVERYBODY!! I AM SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. Life has been crazy. I came home from boarding school for good, but had to get settled in a new school and stuff. Sorry! I know that isn't an excuse. Please please review. 5 chapters and 14 reviews is like only 3 reviews a chapter and we are getting way more hits than that. Thanks!

_Charlie, I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. You don't deserve it. I don't enjoy partying every night, and then coming home and seeing your face, so sad, so pained. I am sorry. And the cutting. I only cut because I want to forget about everything that has happened. When Lynn died, it really screwed me up. I am just ending all of our pain. Now I can be with Lynn , she always needed me, and you can finally stop worrying about me, and Jake can get a life that doesn't involve picking me up at all hours of the morning from random places. Oh, and I really am a virgin. I know that always worried you. _

_All my love forever and always,_

_Bella_

That is the ever famous suicide note. You wanted to see it. I just showed it to you. Woot woot. Who's Lynn? Lynn was my little sister. She died of Leukemia. She was fourteen. She was glad to die, because there was no risk of her passing the cancer to her unborn baby, the product of the rape that only I knew about. Now you know too.

Sorry it was short! I'm going to write the next chapter now, and you will review on this chapter. And I will put up the next chapter. It was short because I felt like this part was really important and needed its own chapter. :D


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